I didn’t have a lot of coaching as a first time manager.
OK I had *no* coaching as a first time manager. No training. No mentors.
Everything came from ideas (usually bad) about being a good leader or the occasional example I’d witness (watching others who were untrained first time managers, so…also bad). I honestly don’t know how I came up with this tactic. But thinking about it, it was probably borne of exasperation.
Folks come to your desk to complain about someone. “Biff checked in some code without verifying it” or whatever. So someone’s got a beef with Biff. A Biff beef. Anyway, this isn’t the first time Biff has irritated this person so now you, the manager, are hearing about it.
I feel it’s incumbent upon a manager to removed obstacles between their team members and success. Help them solve problems. But it’s also incumbent upon team members to make an effort at a solution first. Don’t just sit there letting some interpersonal friction fester. And don’t think to yourself, “I’m so tired of feeling this way about Biff, I’m just so exhausted every time I think about him, I’ve got to address this. You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to…tell Keith about it.”
Imma stop you right there.
This should not be the team member’s first step. And I got so tired of it actually *being* the first step anyone took, that eventually after hearing about the umpteenth Biff beef I must’ve just blurted, “Did you tell them that?”
I mean, in my head I’m thinking this is a problem between two team members. Why should mediation by someone’s boss be the first thing we try? If you’ve got a Biff beef, talk to Biff first. Not me. Afterward, if it’s still a problem, then yeah. I’m here to help. Happy to facilitate a conversation. But don’t leap to getting me involved. Work on your own communication skills. And if it’s not a big enough deal to warrant talking to Biff directly, then it’s not a big enough deal for me to get involved. Don’t make it my problem if it’s not a big enough deal for you to address it directly first.
Now sometimes folks need to vent. And as a manager I’m absolutely going to make myself available for that. But be clear if that’s what you’re after. Are you here to get me to do something, or give advice, or just listen while you have a cathartic moment? If it’s catharsis time, that’s usually healthy. I encourage that. I’m here for you.
And sometimes they do talk to Biff and it doesn’t solve anything and then I’ll gladly step in. This is my team member and I won’t leave them feeling unsupported.
So I started using “did you tell them that” more often. I deployed that sensor early on, getting a temperature reading on the situation. More often than not, the team member with the Biff beef came in thinking this was a big deal to them and they wanted me to take the first step in solving it for them. Then I ask my one question and they’d go back to their desk. Sometimes they’d actually go talk to Biff and things would get hashed out. Occasionally they’d just go back and let the thing fester, but you know what? At that point it’s on them. They made the choice to not make an effort. They’d rather languish in this awful arrangement with Biff. And I’m OK with that. Consequences come from actions. Or in this case, from inaction.
Eventually this starts to set the tone. Team members know you’re here to help solve problems, but they also know you’re going to ask “did you tell them that” so they start talking to Biff from the outset. Communication goes up, interpersonal stuff is nipped in the bud, and you go back to playing Galaga rather than eternally mediating the conflict of others. Everyone wins.
